A Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

This morning I woke up to a decently sunny room. In bed, I wake my dreary mind to find my four month old puppy, Finn, sleeping next to me. Weird… I put him in the crate last night? Oh, that’s right, my girlfriend had work at 6:15 this morning and must have taken him out and let him on the bed to snuggle into the late morning. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary; the sun was shining, the birds chirping, and a neutral temperature of 55 degrees outside. I didn’t have any work this morning, so I thought a lazy day with Finn would be a fantastic idea for having today off. We went for our morning stroll, breakfast, and back to bed.

Around noon time, I figured that before starting my day I should take a trip to social media land. For once, I realized that it was the best decision I EVER made. “Why?” you may ask. Well, you see, I fucking forgot it was Valentine’s Day. At that moment, not only did I know I was in for it, but, Finn also knew I was in big, big trouble.

Being in a relationship for over three years meant that I should know this is not a day I can forget. At this point in the day, I had planned nothing; No dinner reservations, no stuffed animals, no flowers, no candy, no nothing. Not only did I have nothing planned, but I went back to my text messages from the early morning and around 6:30 am I sleep-texted a “happy valentine’s day babe” text in response to hers.

Before I go on, I want everyone to know, that I think Valentine’s Day is the dumbest day on the planet (hence me forgetting it). That is coming from a taken-man in love. It is a pyramid scheme for people to go out to stores, buy over priced flowers and stuffed animals just to say I love you. PSA assholes!!! You’re supposed to do that shit everyday. *the crowd remarks with a surprised sigh.* Even my girlfriend agrees that Valentine’s Day is stupid. But, what do we do? Celebrate that shit.

I realized in the mix of this crazy day, I am not the only one who forgot it. I also realized, I will not be the last. I have one hour before she gets out of work and suspects anything. Without any further frustration:

Step 1
Start Making Calls

Knowing that you have nothing planned, it is so CRUCIALLY important that when everything goes wrong and hits the fan you have at least dinner reservations at a half decent restaurant. When you get to the stores and you see there is nothing left to give her tangibly, you still have that dinner reservation to lean back on.

Make a list of five restaurants you know she likes. List them in a top priority order and start making those calls. Many people make reservations on February 14th. Be prepared knowing that it might be hard to book any restaurant. Living in a city like Myrtle Beach, it isn’t as difficult to find a reservation since there are so many restaurants. On the other hand, we are in the South and the food typically sucks so…

Once you have that dinner reservation booked… well, at least you aren’t dead meat!

Step 2
Get To The Store

If you are lucky, the first thing you see in the store will be flowers. If there are any decent ones left at noon on Valentine’s Day PICK THEM UP. Pick them all up! If the flowers aren’t wilting yet they might be by the time your shopping excursion is over. When you get to the checkout line is when you decide which bouquets to purchase.

ALSO, the type of flower (including the color) that you chose is important. The most I know about this is: red roses = love and yellow = friendship… so if you’re trying to be funny and looking for a fight night, I say go for it. If you don’t already know her favorite flower that might be something you want to look into for the future!

Come take a step in my shoes. Three stores later there is nothing on the seasonal/holiday shelves for Valentine’s Day. No stuffed animals or candy. The theme of the day: #NeverGetsEasier. What shoppers don’t realize is that there is still an aisle for both candy and stuffed animals that are avoided due to Valentine’s Day set ups in the front of the store. Here is a fun fact; All the candy is the same without the Valentine’s Day packaging!!!

You want to do stuffed animals and gizmos? Checkout the toys aisle. For me, there is an aisle solely dedicated to stuffed animals. I found a pink bear and called it a WINnie the Pooh. My biggest advice for buying these random candies and add-ons, such as stuffed animals, would have to be making sure they are in the color scheme of red, purple, pink, and white. This way it will make it look like you went down a Valentine’s aisle days before you actually even got to the store.

Step 3
What Does She Want?

Sometimes things are much more simple. If you are a couple who typically celebrates Valentine’s Day to a larger than life extent, buying gifts for the occasion can be much easier. Even if you forgot that Valentine’s Day is today, some gifts are more feasible than others.

For example, you might just remember that your wife has been wanting a crockpot for weeks. You know all the details down to the color. Lucky for you, no one is buying slow-cookers at Walmart today! On another note, there might be something that she needs. She might need some more deodorant. Well, fine, pick up a pink one and add that stick as a stocking stuffer.

Step 4
Dinner Time

Thank goodness you called a handful different restaurants and still got one she liked. If she is the one, she will be impressed you got a reservation at her favorite Italian joint on the most busy day of the year.

This is usually when she will ask how you pulled everything off, kept secrets from her, etc. DO NOT sell yourself short. Let her think that you had all this preparation weeks in advance while you know Google and It’s Probably Rob were the only things saving you today.

Tip: she is probably going to want to take a picture. Make sure you look nice as well. Don’t be the guy who ruins the picture because he forgot how to dress.

Step 5
Take Me Home

Believe it or not, you almost have survived Valentine’s Day. But, it’s not over yet. Even though you are exhausted from running around non-stop for the past five hours, just push a little further. If you fall asleep it will all be for nothing.

She is going to want to stay in and do something cute. She might want to watch a movie while drinking wine, cuddle under a blanket or she might want to show off the cute aprons she got you to bake together. The possibilities are endless.

The only thing getting you through this one activity with her is knowing that it is almost her turn. It is almost her turn to finish off Valentine’s Day in the best way she knows how; bed time!

Towards the end of writing this post, I now notice that my girlfriend will see how I messed up and still had time to write a blog post about it. I think she will understand it was for the betterment of humanity. I hope this helps men, or anyone for the matter, in need for today and for future holiday relationship mishaps. Let us know what you think of this post and if you pulled it off!

Last take away, which may be the most important! Do not forget to tell her “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Now that’s some shit you don’t want her to be able to hold over your head.

//Probably Rob

3 thoughts on “A Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

  1. OMG.Rob I’m dying laughing at this blog entry!!! I’m reading it out loud to Uncle John and we’re both laughing our arses off!!!
    It’s all so true!! Thanks for ending our evening with a hilarious and truthful account of every man’s biggest fear!! Haha
    Love Aunt Barbara

    Like

    1. Absolutely! I think that your blog is endearing and intriguing. There is a lot we can learn from man’s best friend! I know I sure do everyday with my four month old Brittany Spaniel. If you want to read about my journey of getting him you can on my website under “blogs!” Great making your acquaintance.

      Like

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